By Pholo Ramothwala
I believe in a simple rule for relationships when it comes to HIV: share your HIV status right from the start. It's as simple as that. Some people might not agree, as everyone's experiences are different. If you feel differently, I beg for your indulgence.
Here's what I think: It's better to tell your partner about being HIV positive early on, so you don't have to worry about them finding out later. It makes sense, right! Trying to keep it a secret in a long-term relationship doesn't make sense. Imagine when you need to take your medication! You will have to find someplace to hide or miss a dose.
As scary as it is to be turned down, it's probably better to face that early in the relationship instead of later when you're already in love. Yah, I know, getting rejected hurts.
Let me share my own experience.
I married a wonderful and beautiful woman I met at work. When we first got to know each other, I unintentionally didn't tell her that I have HIV. I assumed she already knew since we worked in the same field, and I talk publicly about my status. But it turned out she had no clue until a few weeks into our relationship. One day, during a phone call, I casually mentioned my status, and there was a long silence after. That's when I realized she didn't know about that part of my life at all.
I could share how she reacted, but I think it would be more meaningful if she shares in her own words,
" Without going into the details of how we met, let me jump to when he told me about his HIV status. It wasn't a usual way of disclosing; he mentioned it casually during a long phone conversation. I heard 'because of my HIV status,' and I was like, 'wait, what did you just say?' I wasn't sure if I said it out loud, but I started trying to remember if he had told me this before. It turns out he hadn't. HIV had never come up in our many conversations.
I had been working in the HIV field for over three years, focusing on HIV-related stigma. Even with my experience and knowledge, no one prepares you for the moment your romantic interest reveals their HIV-positive status, especially if no one close to you openly lives with HIV.
At that point, I was dealing with mixed emotions, questioning how he could forget to mention such a significant part of his life. On the other hand, I felt embarrassed about my ignorance. How could I have missed all this, considering we had gone on a date and talked for weeks? Despite not knowing much about him, I had fallen for the simple, kind gentleman he presented to me. He shared himself, his character, hopes, and dreams authentically, and it felt like we were connecting on a deeper level, crossing paths for something bigger than us. I was already hooked, and his status was a non-issue. That’s how we started, and we are growing strong.”
My point is this....
Navigating a relationship is already a challenging journey, and introducing the complexities of HIV only adds another layer of difficulty. I believe it is important not to leave such matters to chance. Life is complicated and varies for everyone. Even our circumstances differ! You might find yourself in a situation where disclosure is unintentionally withheld, perhaps assuming that others are already aware, as I once did. However, the truth has a tendency of coming out, underscoring the necessity of honesty in a romantic relationship. After all, isn't honesty a cornerstone of being together?
What is your #lovebeyondHIV #lifebeyondHIV